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Over the past decade or so, an apparent trend has developed with respect to the number of couples engaged in long-term "relationships" with no evident plans for marriage. While the rate of failed marriages in the United States is appalling, this should not deter anyone from considering marriage or re-marriage. Co-dependent relationships, and particularly cohabitation may be the most convenient arrangement for many, however, such situation presents a convenient opportunity to walk out of the relationship. Preference for this type of arrangement reveals an underlying lack of integrity on the part of one or both parties, which is not healthy for the relationship. While dating exclusively for romance is not necessarily a problem, after a substantial amount of time has lapsed in the relationship, and investment has been made, it becomes necessary to take charge and either discontinue wasting time (move on), or make the union official. Too many people invite problems to themselves by failing to set guidelines, and are consequently left wondering why they are so unhappy. When two people decide to build a union together, whether through marriage or steady dating, the potential for conflict to arise is inevitable. Conflict can either destroy the relationship, or it can strengthen it, depending on the nature of the conflict and the ability and desire of both parties to work toward resolution. To reiterate, conflict must be dealt with whether the couple is married or simply dating long-term. The fundamental difference between dating long-term and marrying is that with marriage, the couple makes the decision to commit and to devote themselves to one another indefinitely, with the intention of keeping the union intact by working through any conflict that may arise. Infidelity, a common source of conflict, can become an issue, oftentimes becoming a major threat to the stability of the relationship. It seems that the "cheating" phenomenon only occurs in relationships where, incidentally, there is no definite and mutually agreed upon goal or purpose. Either this is the case, or the goal is not to achieve anything substantial (specifically, a lifetime partnership) through the union. In any given union, the couple is together either for mere convenience (sex, companionship, romance, etc.), or to pursue a greater purpose, such as sharing the remainder of their lives together. With the former, one or both parties is in the union simply for self-gratification purposes. There is no concern present for managing the more serious responsibilities of a union, such as dealing with emotions, beginning and managing a family, financial management, or even getting to know the mate completely through gaining a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the mate. With the latter, the parties are at a level of maturity where they are prepared for and willing to manage all possible aspects of the union. Understanding the two possible foundations of a working relationship enables one to discover at which level a given relationship is operating, and whether the relationship is in fact serious or simply transitory. It must be understood that not every adult (or young adult) is at a level of maturity where they are competent to manage a "serious" relationship, although many will label their transitory relationship as "serious" for one of three general reasons: 1) one or both partners has no clear understanding of the difference between a serious and a transitory relationship, 2) one partner wishes to maintain (through deception) a transitory relationship with the other, who wants commitment, or 3) one partner agrees to maintain the transitory relationship (masquerading as a serious relationship) in hopes that the other will "eventually" commit.  If there is no progression evident in the relationship, then it does not constitute a serious relationship.  Additonally, the fact that one partner may expect the other to be dedicated and monogamous obviously does not guarantee the expectation will be fulfilled. For these reasons, there must be a mutual understanding and agreement established of what is expected in the relationship. If dedication and monogamy are agreed upon, then the  expectation should be that something meaningful is to come of the union. If there is going to be a commitment, then it should be made completely, with clearly understood stipulations. The "commitment" is not a commitment, but a farce when there is intimacy with "no strings attached". Becoming intimate should only follow after a mutual decision has been made to commit completely. For one partner to function simply as a convenience to the other party--who remains undecided about commitment--is to invite the probability of being taken advantage of, which will ultimately lead to regret and resentment. A good guideline here is: either marriage is the ultimate goal, or there is no commitment and the couple will not live as man and wife. If marriage is agreed upon as the ultimate goal, then everything the couple does together should reflect a mutual intention of working toward that goal. Anything that reflects otherwise reflects the need to move on. If two soulmates have connected, there should be no need to spend an exhorbitant amount of time trying to determine whether commitment is mutually desired. After several years of dating with no apparent progress past friendship or romance, it becomes apparent that no grounds, boundaries or definite goals have been set. Oftentimes, after many years of dating, and the relationship ends, one party is left feeling cheated out of time, recognizing also that the efforts they have contributed proved to be futile. When entering into a serious relationship with a "significant other", where one will give one's all, committing him/herself fully, it is imperative that there be a mutual goal established for where the relationship is headed, or where it is not headed. The relationship will not succeed if only one partner is putting forth an effort, or if there is no balance of give-and-take. Although a high level of giving in a relationship is to be expected, complete selflessness is fatuous, and invites misuse. In a relationship, one should rightfully expect to be afforded some measure of return for what they contribute. We all enter relationships expecting to gain some benefit. The personal motive(s) for entering a relationship will determine whether the relationship meets with success or failure. Some will enter a relationship for little or nothing more than the desire for attachment. The condition of simply being "attached" does not alone benefit anyone significantly, although it may seem so. By human nature, we all seek attachment, however, stopping at that first step at best offers no advantage and at worst is counterproductive. Time wasted with a temporary mate is counterproductive. Few mates will be willing to tolerate total dependency, therefore, it is necessary to have an ample measure of independence prior to entering a relationship. A pertinent point of importance is that it is not a woman's responsibility to mother her mate, nor is it a man's responsibility to father his mate. Neither should be the anticipated benefit. Failed relationships begin with selecting a mate for the wrong reason. It is a waste of valuable time to enter a relationship for shallow or selfish reasons. Time wasted cannot be replaced, and should therefore be planned wisely, in order that the number of failed relationships will be minimized. It is selfish, shallow, and undignified to enter a relationship with motives such as material gain, to "show off" a mate to society because of his /her physical appearance or ability, or for other questionable reasons. These types of motives inevitably lead to conflict, including but not limited to infidelity, precisely because of the fact that true compatability is realized only as a result of the existence of spiritual connectedness. Each of us is an original in that we each have a unique spirit and personality. Two unique spirits can compliment one another very effectively and felicitously when paired appropriately. While aesthetics and physical abilities may be desired, those characteristics are transitory, and they are less rare (and ultimately, less valuable) than good, complimentary character. Both parties must seek and select their prospective mate with interest channeled in the direction of the spiritual essence of their prospective mate.  Otherwise, there will be an ever-present likelihood for one or both to eventually seek elsewhere for fulfillment of their (spiritually determined) unmet needs. Finally, many will complain that they have trouble meeting a decent woman or a decent man who is right for them, failing to recognize that the key to realizing their "perfect match" is neither in "playing house" with a mate, nor in selecting a potential mate based on the aforementioned questionable criteria. The key to discovering one's "soul mate" is in building platonic friendships with those who possess a complimentary spirit and personality, as well as distinct, desired inner qualities, until the ideal mate is spontaneously revealed from among said friendships. There is no need for interference on anyone's part to "drive" or expedite the friendship into a commitment. Exercising patience allows for objective decision making. Once attraction of spirits and personalities becomes evident, an objective evaluation of the connection must begin. The answer to the fundamental question, "Why does this person hold my interest?" should not be answered with a reply such as, "because of his/her physical appearance" or "because he/she has attractive material possessions", etc. When this is the most obvious answer, it should be evident that there is no true appreciation for the potential mate, but only a superficial appreciation based on their outward appearance. It is better to take time to make an informed decision before entering any relationship, than to enter the relationship blindly, only to lose time and build a sequence of failed unions. It is never too late to reevaluate an existent relationship, as we must ask ourselves whether there is any grand purpose in our union, and if not, how much more time we are willing to squander.

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Recognizing Purpose and Direction in Dating and Marriage